Our friend and landlord has died. Here one moment, gone the next. He wasn’t doing very well, to say the least — first the hospital, then a fiercely-resisted nursing home stay — but no one expected him to go so soon.
He was so determined to come home. He hated it in the hospital and even tried to con a friend into bringing him back against his doctor’s orders. (I liked that, actually, and would probably be the same way.) There are some wonderful stories about the man that I’m sure I’ll get around to telling once the shock wears off, but now isn’t exactly the time. My wife and I already had a shot of tequila in his honor, and there’ll be more ceremony later.
My grandmother had her 100th birthday in a nursing home but still thought she’d be going back to her old familiar chair in the living room of the modest little house my granddad built. The thing was, my uncle had gone ahead and sold it while she was still lying in her bed. Didn’t want to touch her savings to pay the nursing home bills (it’s a family thing.) Not that she would ever have been able to leave, of course, but I always hated that.
Everyone wants to hang on or go back to what’s familiar. But it’s like water running down a hill: we never flow back up. I think that’s the reason for the old saying that you “can’t go home again.” Only in a physical sense, of course. We all eventually end up where we came from, just like in the water cycle — it’s the misplaced sense of where that is that causes the confusion.
Prompted by what just happened, I had another bracing moment looking up the symptoms of congestive heart disease: like with almost any other relatively common affliction, it’s possible to know too much! Shortness of breath with exertion? Cold extremities at rest?? Better get ready to put me and half the folks I know in the ground soon, too. Probably not, but damn, we never know. We just never know, and it’s almost always a surprise, or so I have observed in my limited experience.
It made me think, though. How would I approach the next few months if I knew they were my last? Apparently we get to stay on here, but should we? It’s a blessed location, absolutely, but my wife would really like a bigger home where she can have her baby grand piano and all her things. I keep avoiding what may be the inevitable — there’s a lot of that going around — because I love the views, the people, and stepping right outside into the boonies. But what if I knew I’d be dead by June? — wouldn’t I love to go out listening to her play? Doesn’t she deserve a little comfort? And don’t I deserve to find that wilderness hut I’ve always wanted for my own?
Will we never get to live in Scotland or on a faraway beach? And what about my Harley?! Good God, the list is endless. Tick-tock, people. Why am I always shocked to see my face in a mirror now?
Something doesn’t fit.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I understand and agree with all you said…especially that person in the mirror !! But tell me this, if you actually had a choice, would you want to know that you have 6 months left, or just go all of a sudden….Think I would kind of like the time to prepare, work on that things and places to do/see list, and say my goodbyes, yet on the other hand…would we be so anxious etc that we would not take advantage of that time? Maybe the other is better….just live and love each moment and person in our life until all of a sudden there is no more………One thing for sure, either way it is sure time for Love, laughter, kindness and appreciation of our fellow humans and RIGHT NOW! Steve ( not to mention, just taking the time to pat old Washtay on the head whenever it was possible – and by that I mean the Washtay’s in ALL our Lives! Good thoughts your way John, and blessings for those around you during this loss….but JOY for the insight about Living our Lives better (and Happier) and embracing that stranger in the mirror….hehehe Steve
Oh geez, who wants to KNOW? I just mean that any one of us could go at any second, and that (for me at least) it might be a good idea to make sure I’m living the way I want to, right now. Not putting things off, etc.
Um, one should always approach TODAY as if it is the last.
You have more fun, that way. ;^)
Yes, that’s the idea.