It is with considerable regret that I continue to come up against the best intentions of positively motivated individuals and the collective behavior of many in general who seek to build a better world as best they know how. Even my wife looks at me sadly when I say I may never vote again. It would be difficult to overestimate the extent of my alienation from the culture that surrounds me, however. This is also not an evil thing!
As I sit here barely two weeks past my 62nd birthday, I realize that I’ve been on this road all my life. I seriously doubt I’m alone, either. After decades of defining myself as anti-establishment (while yearning like hell for the benefits compliance can bring), I now see this as just another team to root for. I’ve understood this intellectually for some time — most intuitive progressives do, I think — but to experience it on a deeper level is both shattering and liberating.
The pain and guilt of childhood had a higher purpose, it would seem. Parents consumed with their own conflicts set me up for what most would consider “failure,” despite all my gifts and talent, and roughly 10 years ago the patches started coming apart. Moving to el Norte was a monumental undertaking, an act of outrageous courage shading into high foolery, yet absolutely necessary, unavoidable, and ultimately perfect! I died many times. (Apocalypse?) Jungian analysis opened the door to the engine room, and once I was there…
Awareness and thinking are not the same thing. We’ve been bamboozling ourselves for thousands of years. The pain, guilt, and self-destructiveness of our world is no different in origin from the dynamics of everyone’s individual and collective psyches. Substituting one thought for another is business as usual, conducted in darkness.
Come the real revolution, I won’t even exist, and neither will you.
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