Yes, I deleted the post entitled “MUD.”
I have a few readers who hate when I do that — or maybe all of you do — but a blog or any other website ought to be a living document, not a digital trail of past mistakes and bad decisions. I have no idea why some bloggers insist on leaving everything in place, even if they were temporarily insane when they wrote such-and-such. It goes against my grain as an artist. You’ve all heard of people who burn paintings or break pottery, right? Believe me, there’s always a reason. In this case, it’s important enough to tell you about it.
Mainly, I don’t want to unconsciously play the victim. It’s bad mental hygiene. If I want to sound highfalutin’ but accurate, I could say this involves soul-work. The process proceeds millimeter by millimeter, often seems to be the only game in town, and has a great motivator: DEATH! This has nothing to do with getting cleaned up for the pearly gates or anything like that. It’s rather a matter of living more naturally and fluidly now, in the present. When you see yourself turning gray, you want to do a better job of being whatever you are, or at least I do. The clock is ticking, dammit.
Our reality is shaped by our thoughts, not the other way around. I have witnessed physical “reality” change in an eyeblink after even tiny internal shifts. When you see that in your daily personal life, you have to pay more attention. I don’t have any choice in the matter, and that’s why I deleted the post.
The mud may be awful, but so is the economy, the state of the planet, and a few things that happened to me as a child. One becomes aware of things, which helps one navigate and make decisions. ALL OF THIS, however, is trumped by being here right now. All of it, everything, period.
Last night my wife and I attended a Taos Chamber Music Group concert at the Harwood Museum. During intermission, my wife turned to me with concern, saying that I looked “so stressed and tired.” It was true. I am tired. As I told her, I’m tired of being the way I’ve been all my life. I’m just really, really sick of it. Fed up! Disgusted. Done with it. Whatever it is in me that’s crushed me down, torn me up, or made me tense has long outlived its usefulness as a survival tool, and guess what? I’m not going to survive! No one does, it’s totally impossible. My universe ends as soon as I depart my mortal coil. Silent galaxies spin onward through the night and miss me not. So??
Nebraska poet laureate and mystic John Neihardt, the author of Black Elk Speaks, once published an astonishing little autobiographical book entitled All Is But a Beginning. What a strange title for something written by an old man in his late 70s, I thought at first, but boy was I mistaken. There’s immense power in that formulation. I’ll just say now that if “all is but a beginning,” then the most vital task of any sentient being is to pay attention to RIGHT NOW… [Non-linear, bitches!] Rather than limiting one’s existence, this opens everything up.
What an enormous relief — and suddenly, I’m not so tired!
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Glad you’re feeling better. Don’t let that mud suck you down!
I’ve been trying to climb out of my own mud the last few days, too. I think the elation of the early part of the week slipped into the reality of how stuck in the mud we all still are. Hopefully our new president will be helping lift us all up soon — as well as reminding all of us to quit struggling against the mud and stirring it up, and learn to float a bit more easily on the surface of our lives while we wait to be pulled out or for the mud to settle a bit.
Speaking of the mud we’re all in, I read an article or blog post about how terrible it was that the price of oil has fallen, because this means that people will now buy more SUVs again, etc. etc., and what was Obama going to do about THAT?!?
A commenter made the point that all change is individual. If any one of us decides to buy an economical car, he or she is contributing to the overall solution, i.e. the lessening of dependence on non-renewable resources. The price of oil fell because people all over the world stopped buying so much gasoline. This is how we break the stranglehold of the petroleum economy: we starve it to death, one consumer at a time…
My wife and I bought our Pontiac Vibe (39.95 mpg best so far) a year ago when gasoline was over $4/gallon. I figured we had to do that, just to be able to drive at all. Now that gas is much cheaper (for the time being), the efficiency doesn’t seem so important… but it is! For the life of this automobile, at least, we’ll be buying half as much gasoline as we used to consume. Our savings are just one tiny nick against the monster, but if enough individuals convert to more efficient cars or give them up altogether, it could be a death blow.
I think the point is that we do have choices, no matter what the cost of oil or any other real or imagined contingency. It’s not good enough to say that the selfishness of human nature will prevail in any case, so why “deprive” ourselves? In that case, we create the selfishness by our actions. Our thoughts create the reality.
Everything is fluid, especially the mud…
I didn’t have an opportunity to read the “mud” post, but I can only guess. Even in your retraction, John, there are some mighty themes … beginnings, mortality and the like. All of which was an interesting segue into the mileage/oil comments.
This struck a major nerve with me, and I’ll just cut to the chase: We’re in for some crazy times, period. End of story. Thank goodness we have a more rational president, but now I read in the NY Times where the House Republicans are lining up to oppose his stimulus plan and McCain says it won’t pass the Senate without permanent tax cuts along with pledges to slash the cost of government yadda, yadda. This is from the same group that has plunged the gov’t into record deficits and spent more money than most any two administrations combined.
You talk about oil. Man, what a barometer of lunacy that is. A few months ago the market was dropping like a stone because “oil prices reached another high today” blah blah. Now, of course, we hear “stocks dropped precipitously today due to the lower price of oil.”
I believe a lot of us are looking “so stressed and tired” and are fumbling along the path to better thinking, just as you so aptly describe.
I mention all of this “mud,” John, just so you know you’re not alone.
The mud post was whiny, sarcastic, the whole-freaking-world’s-against-me bullshit, something I do very well when I have an axe to grind. I’m only now seeing that I’ve been using myself as a grinding wheel!
I wholly second your comments about crazy times and how lucky we are to have Obama as president. I think everything’s going to be all right, though, just different. Different in a good way: more aware, more responsible, more creative, more humane, more egalitarian. In the meantime, hold onto your hats.
In the contemporary conventional political zone, I like what I’m seeing so far in Obama’s executive orders and at least some of the appointments, also. The guy means business, and it’s about time.
Oh ya! Just when I was going to ream you out for complaining about mud. Mud? You’ve got mud! We’re scheduled for another foot of snow tomorrow and you’re already thawing out. Perspective my good man.
This was precisely what I needed in this moment. Funny how that happens when one is present, huh? It reinforces something similar that I read many more moments ago early this morn. (Yours is far more eloquent and elegant by far.)
Soul work, internal shifts, and the deep, almost anguished desire to be done with all of the old tricks and treats of a contracted, “protected” psyche.
Beautifully portrayed.
Thank you for linking to your site from Balloon Juice today.
I’ll be back.
Laura