Something remarkable just happened.
My wife has been bugging me to come downtown with her, get a latte at the World Cup, and “fantasize” about housing, so that’s what I did today, deadlines be damned. The idea (suggested by our friendly neighborhood Jungian analyst in Zurich) was to take any housing discussion to a neutral location (not at home, in other words), since we’ve often been at odds on the subject. Well, not actually “at odds,” but what usually happens is that I get defensive, fearing that my lovely wife wants me to live somewhere that would make me want to throw up. My mommy telling me I can’t have any fun, don’t you know.
And it was hard to get me to talk, but after a while, I did. The World Cup latte was excellent, the sun was warm and bright, and I finally went on for some time about what **I** truly desired by way of a home for us and studio for myself, which is just what she wanted to know. The punch line, if there is one, is that she’s fine with all of that and thinks even bigger herself. Ultimately, we’re on exactly the same page: buy a piece of LAND and build a simple, energy-efficient off-grid home on the edge of the wilderness, and so on. Fortunately, just about anywhere you go around here is “on the edge of the wilderness,” including where we live now, something that would never be true back East, for example.
But what I really noticed is how deeply ingrained the “oh, but I can’t have that” stuff is buried. It’s sad, but understandable. This also manifests as physical events, which is why one needs to pay attention. After we talked, I felt like some of the buried bullshit was now exposed to the sun, where it might dry up and blow away. I also detected a very subtle internal shift, and she said she felt better. As we were driving home on the bumpy dirt road past the fallen-down corrals, mouldering single-wides, and dead car field mouse condominiums, she said, “When we drive out this road for the last time, it’ll be sad, but I’ll also be so happy…”
And at just that instant, right before we pulled into the driveway, a skinny tan coyote walked (not ran) across the road about 20 yards in front of us. AAGHH! Coyote the Trickster, always unnerving if you understand the symbolism and the juxtaposition with important plans. Not necessarily “bad,” however, just surprising: what you think will happen may not, and what you don’t want to have happen might, but maybe with a positive effect. The deception may be in one’s own mind — in the Native stories, Coyote also tricks himself. So this is a “be ready for anything” sort of omen, one I usually feel good about unless I’m about to do something that makes me nervous. All I really did was be honest with my wife, however, and she didn’t kill me.
That’s kind of scary in its own way, because it means the door is open!
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So, John—I read this and thought—”What is any different here? I don’t think you are anywhere different in your thinking, yet. Same ole, same ole’. I am still reading–waiting–for YOU to take the leap…
I think your wife has already leaped…and, waiting for you.
You feel stuck–to me.
LEAP!
And, by the way, the door has ALWAYS been OPEN! That is what all my messages have been trying to tell you!!
I am thinking you love attracting victimhood…and, YES, I have been reading ALL YOUR stories for the past few years.
Get on with your life. Quit being stuck.
Whatever you claim as your life IS your life!
Make it your own. Now!
and by the way…invitation for coffee always stands.
casita building is progressing nicely…in taos time.
Tammi: WHOA, Nellie!
Better watch out, or I’ll release the New Age Yellow Alligators of Doom.