I am unbelievably tense, now that I have stopped flailing. I want to drink more coffee, feed the tension, be more brave.
There is no time to waste. Earlier today I felt it again, the shrieking, tearing guilt and anger. It scares my wife. She instinctively backs away now and asks for insulating space. Nothing is directed at her, so I freely withdraw.
(Great progress there.)
But Jesus, I need a hut, a studio, a place to take myself away to, where I keep emergency instructions. Lacking those, I stomp around the sagebrush, hang up wet laundry with idiot clothespins from China that come apart in my fingers. Men younger than I am hit the road, escape. Oh, the pull of this disaster, to feel the school’s-out rush of opportunity in new surroundings! It doesn’t work for me for the same reason I don’t win the lottery. Something is demanded of me in this lifetime. When I do the work, that will be “escape.” Escape into wholeness.
The crisis is real. Like all such confrontations, it also is a gift. My whole life has been about building a trap to catch me red-handed. I am nabbed. At least I know. And knowing that I know, a load of guilt gives way, like heavy wet snow sliding off a roof. Thank God.
Now I’m only tense and angry. That, however, is something I can use.
(More, please.)
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Yes it is the knowing that tethers us to the earth, however “knowing” can be slippery. It is in the not knowing that madness can descend, however temporarily. Ain’t it great to be a human being, it’s one hell of a ride.
It certainly is! You may enjoy the following post as well, and I’ll be commenting more from time to time on social media.
Doing quite well here at the moment, actually. Love the energy.