Another phone call from hell (Tucson, Arizona). I don’t know what to do except blog about it. There wasn’t even any reason to call me. My mother and my brother were just yelling at each other and decided to bring me into the loop. I listened for 10 minutes and hung up.
Oh Lord.
My 88-year-old mother can’t live by herself, and my 58-year-old brother is at the end of his rope trying to take care of her. She’s emotionally incompetent and can’t be reasoned with. It’s impossible to talk to her, because one just gets pulled deeper into the madness. And yet, she’s not completely gone. If she were utterly incoherent or setting fires in the kitchen, I could get some legal help, but no… GOD DAMN ARIZONA! She refuses to go to a nursing home, however, and she isn’t well enough for assisted living. None of my siblings can be with her for more than a day or two without running screaming down the road. In Arizona, by the way, there’s nothing you can do if an aging parent refuses assistance. The last time I tried to make a difference, I got so upset, her doctor reported me to Adult Protective Services!
You can read all about the background here. Yes, she reads this blog! But I’m beyond worrying about that. There are greater concerns, such as whether the state of Arizona comes after my siblings and me for “neglect” and seizes my mother’s assets, leaving my brother with no means of support. However my mother chooses to leave this earth, it’s shaping up to be as messy, expensive, painful, disruptive, and stupid as she can make it. Even a cynic like me is incapable of imagining the full extent of the lunacy to come. And yet, I can imagine peace. I can imagine an end to all of this.
Last year I found a place for her in a nursing home in Tucson. I was ready to bring her to a home here in Taos. My siblings in Austin were in the process of getting her into a nice place there. But she “wasn’t ready,” I guess, and refused to go. She probably doesn’t have enough resources for 24/7 home care. She’s throwing what money she does have away as fast as she can mismanage it all. If she’d consent to transferring power of attorney to me, I’d move her back into her old house where there’s room for live-in help, I’d find someone to be with her, and then I’d sell off everything she has to pay for it and keep her comfortable. But that’s not in the cards, and there isn’t anywhere to turn. As I discovered in August, 2008, there’s no help for family members wanting to do the right thing, at least not in Arizona. Everything is set up to “protect” the old ones from their children, but the laws have created a living nightmare where nothing can be done. Whatever you do, don’t let your parents grow old in Arizona: if they go wacko on you, you’re absolutely screwed.
This will probably end badly, but it will surely end. The only one who can save my mother is herself, of course. At least I know that, and that none of this is my fault.
And now to matters of real concern, where I can actually DO something: we’re expecting a foot of snow here in the next 24 hours, and I have preparations to make. Chop wood! Get the shovel out! Clear the leaves off the roof!
Onward through the fog, by God.
Related posts:
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear John,
I wish i could take your pain from you.. I am holding you and your brother in the light for a perfect outcome .
Our mountains are hidden by the most amazing shades of gray and silver. Stay warm .
Patsy
So glad you have your lovely long hair and great pinon wood to keep you snug in your old adobe.
Thank you, Patsy. You are a wonderful caring soul.
At this point, my brother is in the most danger, because he doesn’t appear to grasp that Helen’s tortured exit from this world is likely to leave him without any means of support. There could well be NO money to distribute after she goes, and even debts to pay. I hope he has some kind of plan.
As for my mother, well, she’s in charge of herself. She either flips out completely, has a stroke, burns her trailer down, OR lets us help her. The first three are possible and likely imminent, the last one long gone under the bridge. It’s not my fault or anyone’s, although I do blame Arizona’s paranoid laws for much of the trouble we’ve had in dealing with this.
Amazingly, I’m fine.
I needed to write about it, but I’m fine. And yes, long hair does help keep the ears warm!
You said it best, John. Chop wood. Yes, as the zen masters would have it, chop wood and carry water.
As it turns out, I’m not so fine. Goddamned madness ruined my whole day. So yes, I’d better get to choppin’!
Hey John,
Your words vividly describe your pain, I am ever so sorry people don’t agree with your decision to publish… but I personally think you’re a very brave and earnest human to share your pain with us, why do we get embarrassed by other peoples misery – we should embrace it just like all the other pretty pictures and hart warming stories you share with us, hell its every bit a part of life – it is the very essence of our being.
I am not a very Christian sole, but Christianity does mould me as a human and I don’t always turn the other cheek – but I do know the difference between hurting someone and fighting my corner, sorry the point I trying to get to, is that my beautiful Christian religion was my salvation, born of the suffering of my saviour, the Lords son Jesus Christ, why then do we just expect life to be a clinically sanitised version of half truths – I see you the whole person for you’re your pain, but if you should hide that pain from me, you unwittingly set me up to fail you as a friend and a Christian brother – love you man and may the Lord ease your pain, reach-out for he is there.
Richard.
As far as I know, no one thinks I shouldn’t post these things except my mother.
And even if they did, it wouldn’t matter. Writing is how I transmute shit into gold…