All day long I’ve been dragging around with my left knee “all swole up” like a cantelope. This can be very instructive.
Probably I stretched something a little too much. I think I know how, and this is really embarrassing: squatting down to read the labels on the bottom shelf of Levi 501s at Dillard’s on Friday! Jesus, a fucking shopping injury…
I have apparently reached the point where one doesn’t squat quickly or jump from a height. If so, this is unacceptable, because it obviously has to do with my weight, something I should have some control over. Muscles and ligaments are one thing, but they’d have an easier time of it if they weren’t supporting useless pounds. The only way I’m ever going to make it into the next decade is if I get skinny and tough. The only cool old guys are the skinny ones, remember. They’re also the only ones left after a certain point. Why am I thinking about this now, anyway?
Well, there’s my wife. She’s so thin she disappears when she turns sideways, and you could lose her on a cattle guard, but she can walk up a trail as quickly as thinking about it. She’s like a mountain goat: a flash of her feet and she’s 50 yards ahead with no heavy breathing. So I need to take steps, as they say, lest she vanish forever in the distance.
Given my swollen knee, however, all I did today was get my butt sore sitting in front of this computer. I also took a nap and later enjoyed several shots of fine tequila to commemorate something or other, and then an amazing thing happened: all of a sudden when I got up to go into the kitchen and start cooking dinner, I had no weight! Well, almost none. It was the damnedest sensation, perhaps akin to experiencing very low gravity or almost being out of my body. (I checked to be sure.)
Reveling in this altered state, I bounced effortlessly up and down on my tiptoes. It felt like I could jump up and hit my head on the ceiling if I wasn’t careful. You’re going to say I was out of it and that’s the reason, but I’ve certainly been there and done that, and it never made me lose weight before. I told my wife it was the accumulated effect of all the “lighten ups” she’d directed at me over the years that I’d stored away inside and never used. Psychic helium!
The old heavy feeling came back gradually over the next hour, though, and right now I feel pretty firmly planted. But damn, it was nice being on the moon.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Big John Love it and good luck, you need it Don
Would trade a little good luck for about 30 pounds!
You crack me up. I may have to give the “tequila weight loss program” a try. But does it work if you use margarita mix?
I don’t think so. Straight shots are best, taken 1/2 at a time, chased with a little apricot-mango juice (organic) mixed with a little orange juice from concentrate.
Ah-ha! I’m sure the use of the ORGANIC apricot-mango juice made it 100% healthy!
Now dammit John, let’s get with the program!. Does your dear Mother, know that your sitting there in Indian country, drinking tequila and getting into your wife’s make-up bag? Painting up your mug and looking like Carlos Casteneneda! That ain’t right, next thing will find out is that you’ve been “escorted” off the Pueblo. (where can I get a deal on some Peyote buttons). . . . . .;>)
It’s cool, I’d never eat peyote — although I’ve seen some growing in flowerpots before, and when my wife starts looking like that, I’ll be hitting the road!
I did all that with Photoshop, BTW. The design is copied from warriors in the highlands of Papua New Guinea…