Yes I am, by God.
Last night I did some low-altitude reconnaisance, skimming through dozens of real estate listings in places I have been before. Call it my little test, like the one I used to take in Maryland whenever I saw a blacksnake: I had to pick it up and hold it until it calmed down. I still have to pick up snakes, unless they worry me. It’s like some kind of law.
And so I looked at real estate again. You know, the “if I wasn’t here, what would my life be like” kind of thing. First I looked at where we used to live. This is still a potentially tricky business, at least in my own fears, and there is way more danger in lingering over the question than in charging down the road (believe you me), because the greatest thing that I could do is simply be happy taking care of us. Were I to be back in the land of sweet corn, crabs, and cancer (check the stats), I would face the same dilemma, with the added handicap of having betrayed my deepest longings. This is a given, but I perused a few listings anyway. Hahahaha. Those people have lost their minds.
Next up was a little college town in Iowa where my beloved graduated. I found a little house across the street from the campus, and this one almost bit me. I imagined walking everywhere we needed to go, down streets lined with magnificent tall oaks and maples, with lusty collegians jogging to and fro. It was almost like where we’d lived before, except with fewer landed gentry and no water… It was also surrounded by the whole state of Iowa. Now, I do appreciate Iowa. I feel “okay” somehow, whenever we go back to visit. It’s even pretty, and the rolling hills strike deep ancestral chords that go way back to my Welsh-Irish-Scottish-French-German roots. But Iowa is in turn surrounded by America, infused with how everything’s supposed to be, which is where this turns:
When we came out here, we went through something like the 2nd Great Depression that hasn’t happened yet, so I have that down. But mainly, I ESCAPED! That’s how you do it, by leaving everything behind. There isn’t any other way. This only eludes my attention most of the time because I’m an idiot.
Or am I?
We drove to Santa Fe on Friday to do some “shopping.” Apparently I still know how. The Dillard’s department store reminded me of a big garage sale, with skimpy piles of junk on uncovered tables and plenty of empty shelves. The few salespeople scuttled about like roaches when you turn on the light. Truly depressing to witness, and I didn’t want to buy a thing in the shiny plague ward. Oh, the old America Disease… which I realized I didn’t have any more. (Okay, the Levi 501s were a no-brainer, like buying underwear at Walmart, but that was it.)
I needed a new belt. Badly. The ones on the rack were exactly the same as the one around my waist that I’d bought 20 years ago. For half a moment, I almost pulled the trigger. But then I thought, screw this. There are craftspeople in Taos who sell belts. I might pay twice as much, but I’d have something unique, and the damn thing would probably last until I die. Local, chilluns! Follow your heart, etc.
So I am fine.
Don’t really want to buy a house, no, no, at least not now. Don’t want any debt. Don’t want to drink the koolaid again. I ESCAPED! But what happens next? WHO KNOWS?
Ahead of my time, as usual.
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Good for you, buying a locally made belt from an artisan who probably really needs the money.
As for the escape – I’m looking forward to the day. Must get the child out of college – 2 more years to go. And then will see where he ends up. Since he’s a Japanese language major, I’m thinking it won’t be good ole Oklahoma! The city just drains me sometimes. The traffic, the crime, the noise. Wouldn’t it be lovely to be able to walk outside on a balmy evening and NOT hear the constant, never ending sound of traffic? Wouldn’t it be lovely to walk outside my front door and see a mountain in the distance and not the beer cans that blew out of my neighbor’s trash that no one has bothered to pick up? (picture me tossing them over the fence into his backyard!) Now you see why so many of us live vicariously through the posts about your hikes and enjoy your photography. Keep it coming!
And you’re right, this is not the time to get locked into a mortgage! Hopefully you’ll soon find the rental you’ve been looking for.
A “balmy evening” would be nice, all by itself. They don’t exist here, even in the summer: when the sun goes down, you grab your sweatshirt or vest!
Yes, a mountain in the distance is extraordinarily fine. I speak from experience. Everything else is still being worked out. When I escaped, I forgot to bring a million dollars with me.