Personal

The only thing that works is love. The only thing to feel, the only thing that matters. God is love, or so they tell me, and they may be right. Loving what I DO is paramount. Losing myself in it is essential. Devotion to this love is everything, and love is indivisible. I love my wife more than my own life and would give it up for her. If it ever comes right down to that, I will (of that, there is no doubt), just die and be a happy angel.

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Not that this is anything new in my life, you understand: I have a history of deciding that my evil employer (OR my friends, the place I live, the weather, national politics, having to mow the grass, etc.) was preventing me from fulfilling my true destiny, forcing me to “free” myself.

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The thing is, though, we did this already, and I don’t intend to go through that again! It’s something like during the war in Vietnam, when it was all I could do to stay out of the Army: after growing up as an Air Force brat living on military bases for most of my life, I felt I’d already served and didn’t need to repeat myself. As a country, as a people, as a species living on the planet Earth, we’ve ALL done everything already. There’s no more excuse for lying, cheating, earth-raping lunacy, pitting one against the other, trying to “get yours” first.

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This is really big and changes everything. Yesterday when I walked to the mailbox, I didn’t think of any other life or place and just walked to the mailbox… It was so incredible. People like me never want to be tied down and always have an “out” down deep or churning in their preoccupations. But this time I just walked to the freaking mailbox, listening to the sound my shoes made crunching on the snow, and breathing that cold dry New Mexico air that gets you stoned. What? NEW MEXICO?! Yes, I’m here. I made it, and I’m here.

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Twenty-nine years we’ve been married. TWENTY-NINE YEARS!
It all started back when I was cute. She saw me and fell like a tree: “I loved you immediately,” she wrote on the card she gave me this morning, and of course it made me cry. I gave her champagne, chocolates, and flowers. Locally made dark chocolate-covered espresso [...]

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All day long I’ve been dragging around with my left knee “all swole up” like a cantelope. This can be very instructive.
Probably I stretched something a little too much. I think I know how, and this is really embarrassing: squatting down to read the labels on the bottom shelf of Levi 501s at Dillard’s on [...]

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I can map the invisible streambed now and occasionally catch a glimpse of what’s outside of it. I understand why I’ve never won the lottery or had any serious health issues: my purpose in this life is to learn to deal with fear (the streambed!) and make things happen on my own by following my heart for real.

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She is a raging dynamo of love. I am a pile of old rotten boards and scrap metal, full of rusty nails and difficult to ignite.
Yesterday morning, amid concerns over snow, traffic, and general holiday stress preventing me from getting my shopping done, she told me, “I don’t need anything for Christmas. I’m happy. All [...]

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“WRITE IT!” she said.

Damn again! How am I ever going to die a miserable, lonely death after a wretched, unfulfilled life with support like that?!?

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